We're Not Gay. We're Just Friends. Who Have Sex.

5: Issues

Oh great. What's the time? 3 am. Gnnngh.

'What's wrong honey?'

Nothing, I tell Anya. It's nothing. God, I wish I would stop dreaming about the bleached wonder. Anya snuggles up to me. It feels good, but I feel sort of like I'm lying to... someone. I pull Anya closer to me for a moment. And kiss her softly. She kisses me back and for a moment things are good. The truth is though, we aren't as comfortable as before. There's this thing there between us. Like we're both assessing the situation. Like we're both weighing up our options. Like we're both on probation. Suddenly everything is a big deal. Like if I say the wrong thing An will leave. Like if things aren't going well I'll... no, not going there. There leads to thoughts that are uncomfortable and sticky. And that I shouldn't be thinking. Not if I want this to work with Anya. I'm not sure why we broke up in the first place. I think it had to do partly with me not letting her tell anyone about our engagement. We still haven't. In fact the whole marriage thing hasn't been mentioned. I think its that 'uncertain about our relationship' thing again. It was the engagement and there was also... I'm not sure, just things, little things that happened too often, an argument that was bigger than it should have been, things that have been bothering both of us for too long. And then Anya leaving.

And then... yeah, stuff. Stuff I still haven't told An' yet.

'Did you have a bad dream?'

Depends what you mean by bad.

'Uh, yeah,' I say.

'Poor Xander.'

I kiss her on the forehead and hold her to me. And I suddenly need to tell her.

'Anya?'

'Mmm?

'When... when we were broken up... I-- I slept with someone.' Ok. Suddenly scared. Very scared. I feel her stiffen beside me. Ok, maybe shouldn't have told her that.

'Do I know them?'

Is it ok to tell a little lie if you're telling a big truth?

'You might've seen them around.'

Anya is quiet for a while.

'How many times?'

'Um... how many times?'

'Yes, how many times did you have sex? I'd like to know whether it was a girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with or a I miss Anya and I need sexual release type of slept with.'

I almost laugh. 'Uh, so not the girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with. Twice, well four times if you count the blow jobs. Only four times.' Only four times. And if you packed those four times into twenty-four hours it doesn't even make a one night stand. 'I was missing you.'

I think I was. It was all about missing Anya. And ok, a bit of curiosity.

All right, a lot of curiosity. And being horny. A lot of being horny. Ok, and having fun.

Anya snuggles closer to me.

'Well, that's ok. We were apart for several weeks. As long as it wasn't emotional, I understand if you felt the need to have sexual intercourse. After all we have been doing it at least once a day for the past two years. To expect you to completely stop is unreasonable.'

I can't say anything. That's all it was. Sex withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, that's why I let a vampire fuck me up the ass. That's why I made love with Spike.

I squeeze Anya tighter and try to go back to sleep.

~~~

I honk the car horn. It's still light out and I'm not bloody frying my arse just to knock on the whelp's door.

After a couple of minutes the passenger door opens.

'Hey Spike, can you honk that horn any louder, Mrs Evans hasn't quite called the cops yet.'

'Get a move on Harris, would like to see at least some of the concert if that's all right with you.'

He throws an overnight back onto the back seat, climbs in and shuts the door.

~~~

I grin. I've been looking forward to this concert for weeks. This is going to be fucking cool. Going to L.A. going to see a band. Hang out with Spike. Ok, so that's a sign of how bizarre my life has become, that hanging out with Spike is on the list of highlights in my life. But it is. Ok, so he tried to kill us like, often, and he can be a real prick sometimes, but lately he's been pretty cool. He actually seems to care about Dawn and he helps out all the time and I can't remember the last time he asked for money. I'm pretty sure the girls have been buying him blood. And I know Willow gives him cookies.

And since I got back with Anya I've actually had a pretty good time just hanging out with him too. Seriously. Just hanging out having good buddy times. Doing absolutely no groin-related activities. It's weird, like he actually wants to be in my company even though we're not fucking. Which is sort of cool. Cause we do have a pretty good time just with the hanging out. Actual laughs. And those cool philosophical discussions like some of the guys at work have. You know, about really technical stuff. Like the science of the Matrix.

'So who's on Dawnster Duty tonight?' I ask.

'Witches,' he says and starts the car. Some old punk rock band starts blaring out of the speakers. High definition. Spike's got a pretty good sound system. Oh and I just realise that he probably killed someone for it.

'So, um, looking forward to the big Offspring concert?' I ask, trying to think up some conversation. It was never this hard before. Or maybe I just didn't care about being nice to Spike. I don't know why it matters so much, but I like hanging out with him and... it just matters.

~~~

Wouldn't admit it but I'm looking forward to this bloody concert. Wouldn't tell him that though.

I shrug. 'Like a hole in the head. But something to do innit?'

He rolls his eyes. 'You know you don't have to come. I can make myself an easy twenty bucks on that ticket I'll have you know.'

I smirk. 'Ah, but then you wouldn't have the pleasure of my company all the way to L.A. and back, would you?'

'Oh yeah, of course. Be still my beating heart.'

I glance over at the whelp. He's sitting back in the seat like he always does, as if he's draped there. Don't think I've ever once seen the kid sit up straight. Those broad shoulders of his, sort of bent, like he's trying to blend into his surroundings, not make himself obvious. Kid's got an insecurity complex a mile wide. Shouldn't do, Harris has nothing to be ashamed about. Can be a self righteous prick at times, but all the same, he's damn funny and bloody loyal, always trying to do the right thing. And brave, though he can come across as a coward, as a bit useless, but that kid'd die for those he loved without thinking. Bloody stupid, but you've got to admire that. Saved me once. Stupid idiot. He's intelligent too, though he hides it under stupid remarks - easier to play the fool I spose. No risk appearing dumb if everyone thinks you are anyway. Kid needs a bloody shrink.

~~~

We're going to stay in a motel in L.A. Wills suggested we visit Angel but Spike was very expressive about his feelings in regard to that particular plan. And yeah I wasn't exactly in love with the idea either. It's not that I hate Angel, I just, well, he's still not my favourite vamp. Something to do with being terrorised by him. True Spike has also terrorised us, and knocked me unconscious once... and tried to turn us all against each other... Ok, so it's irrational, but hey, I'm allowed to hate someone unreasonably. It's got nothing to do with knowing what Spike and Angel used to do. It has so not got anything to do with jealousy.

Besides, I still hate Spike. I just like him a bit more now.

~~~

We drive in silence for a while 'cept for the dulcet tones of the Sex Pistols. I look over at Harris and he's staring off through a hole in the blackening on the car window.

Yeah, been thinking about Harris too much lately. Yes, about fucking him. Can't be healthy that. Particularly as he's settled himself back nicely into the role of good little heterosexual boyfriend again. Not that I mind. I mean, least one of us is getting laid regularly. Always knew I was just a convenient male body for him to experiment with, explore his sexuality, all that. And me, well I got a couple of good shags out of it. Made me forget Buffy for a bit. And somehow it seems better to wank off thinking bout Harris than her. Seems wrong to think about Buffy like that now. Sides, makes me bloody miserable.

Still hang out with the whelp a bit, play pool, catch some games on the tele, that sort of useless stereotypical male activity. Not as much though, as before, just - don't particularly feel like watching him and his ex demon chick get all lovey dovey. Rather not vomit copiously thanks all the same.

And you know, it would be much bloody easier not to think about shagging Harris if the git didn't keep glancing at me the way he does. If I didn't keep catching him looking at me when he's supposed to be bloody looking at the nice innocent football game on tv. Would be much bloody easier not to think about his dick up my arse, burning me like fire. Much bloody easier not to imagine fucking him hard, surrounded by his heat. And it would be much fucking easier not to think about that stupid wide-eyed look he had when I made him cum the last time.

Fuck.

'Spike?' Xander is looking at me. Got lost there for a minute.

'What?'

~~~

Ok, what's up his butt?

'Ok, I know this is just setting myself up for an insult, but tell me again why did we decide that you get to drive?'

'Cause, you're not drivin' this car. EVER. An' I'm not driving your heap of shit all the way to L.A. And, I'm not getting in a car with you behind the wheel, more's the point.'

Oh and there it is, insult right on queue.

'Uhuh, it's that macho vamp thing isn't it. Must drive the car. Ug me male. Bring on the chest beating.'

He smirks.

'I thought it was you lot that was descended from apes.'

'Excuse me, you were human once. And hello, vampires are way more neanderthal than humans are.'

'Hey, don't start getting all nasty bout the wrinkly brows. If you humans are the height of evolution, seeing as we eat you, ipso facto we out rank you on Darwin's little survival of the fittest gig.'

'So what's that make a slayer then?'

'Freak of nature,' he says.

And it pretty much goes downhill from there, until it's a healthy round of 'I know you are but what am I?'

~~~

'Idiot,' I say.

'I know you are, but what am I?' he says for the twentieth bloody time. He's worse than bleeding Harmony.

'A very silly little pillock, who will get himself a right good spankin' if he doesn't shut the bloody hell up.'

~~~

'I know you a-' A spanking?

'Ooh Spike, kinky,' I say in my best camp Big Gay Al voice.

'Mate, you have no idea.' And he gives me this look. Ok, time to gulp, cause it was the same look he gave me the... the Operation night.

Then he smirks.

He's joking. Ha ha. The joking is good right? That's what buddies do, they joke. It's comfortable and friendly and very not awkward. So I'm a bit jumpy about the whole guy on guy thing at the moment. Doesn't mean Spike wants to have sex with me anymore. He hasn't even mentioned it, in fact he acts like it never happened. Which is good. Cause I know he doesn't have any feelings for me. I know he's still got this thing for Buffy. Which I kind of sympathise with, I actually believe he loved her now. Just things he's done. He's still helping out, even though she's dead, even though there's not a big chance he's gonna get into her pants.

Uh, better say something in response, show I'm not even thinking about Kinky Spike.

'Oh and too much information?' I say in my best ew voice.

~~~

Yeah Harris, you wouldn't want to know the half of it. Wouldn't mind handcuffing him to a bed sometime. Show him a thing or two I'll warrant his little demon girl never showed him.

Sodding hell. I'm hard again.

Funny thing is, Harris is only the second human I've ever shagged. Him and a blonde bint in France, but I was about to kill her so it's not exactly the same. Don't get me wrong, wasn't rape, she was willing, just, didn't know there wasn't going to be much of an afterglow so to speak. Dru went right off her nut when I told her. Couldn't understand it at the time, cause you know, feeding's very sexual and it's not exactly uncommon to cut out the metaphor and just do it, but now I think back, maybe she saw it as a prelude to my feelings for Buffy. Or maybe she just knew how much I liked it. Or maybe she was having Angelus flashbacks again. Either way it wasn't worth the grief to do it again. And, well, since Dru, there's been Harmony, there's been a robot and there's been Alexander Harris.

Being inside a human, having them inside you, its unbelievable, the heat, the blood in their veins, so close to the surface. Bloody intoxicating.

Not like I lust after blokes usually. 'Nother first with Harris I s'pose. Only other bloke I ever lusted after had bloody stupid poofy hair and was a right bastard.

~~~

Oh god, I just looked at Spike's crotch. What is wrong with me? So I still think about Spike and the sex with Spike. So what. It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. Like, sometimes I think about when I had sex with Faith, sure I usually wake up screaming, but it's still thinking about it. I mean it was pretty good sex. The Spike sex I mean, not the Faith sex, it would be weird to just forget about it. It's normal to think about great sex, right? When I broke up with Anya I still thought about sex with her, not that I broke up with Spike because you have to be together to break up. But still, you get my point. It's ok, right?

~~~

I concentrate on the road. Two weeks. It's only been two weeks. Have to think bout something else, because bloody hell, I'm not obsessed with Xander. So I want him. So I want to lick that chest of his and have his body wrap around me again. So bloody what.

Thing is, he's made it perfectly clear how he feels. I've got some pride you know. Not going to let him know I've been wanting him. If he knows that, the sadistic little bastard will never let me live it down. Kid's got a mean streak in him worse than Angelus. And what good would it get me anyway, if I told him? He wants his soft human girlfriend, not some chipped pathetic vampire.

Need a shag. Maybe I should pick someone up tonight.

~~~

I glance over at Spike and he's watching the road. Now would be a good time to talk about something manly.

'Hey did you see Crocodile Hunter the other night?'

Spike snorts.

'Fucking psycho.'

'Now Spike,' I say. 'You've got admire a guy who spends his time messing around things with big teeth.'

~~~

'What, like you?' I leer. And flash him some fang. 'You trying to tell me you've got some knackers hidden away there Harris?'

The whelp gives me a fake shocked look.

'Come back and say that when you can actually bite someone, fangless,' he says.

I look at him.

'Xander, really, I'm hurt. Oh wait, no I'm not.'

He grins. 'Admit it Spike, you just wish you were as big and tough and sexy as Steve Irwin.'

And I have to laugh cause that's the most fucking ridiculous thing he's said today. I know who's bloody sexy. Ridiculous boy.

~~~

Spike is talking complete shit, he was so not in Nazi Germany.

'So you're trying to tell me you met Hitler.'

'Yeah. Me and Dru crashed one of them flash dinner parties some top notch Nazi git was holding.'

'Uhuh, and this was before or after you flew a plane in the Battle for Britain?'

'Before o'course. Pay attention.'

Okkaayyy.

'Spike, you know I don't believe a word you're saying?'

'An' why the fuck not? I've been alive for over a hundred and twenty years. Got to do something to kill the time. What, you think me and Dru sat about plotting to take over the world all the time. Get bloody boring real quick that would.'

Spike's stories all begin with 'Me and Dru'. I guess he must have done pretty much everything with her. Which is kind of nice... I guess. In an obsessive psychotic vampire killing team kind of way. I mean, no wonder he was so cut up when she dumped him. I guess she really was his best friend.

'No, I think you spent the majority of your existence smoking, having sex and eating innocent people.'

'Well, yeah,' he admits. 'There was a fair bit of that. But in the pursuit of those worthy activities, we also did some historically interesting things. Blimmin' hell, Harris, from all the documentaries featuring old geezers wittering on about their pasts, you'd think there'd be some interest in a bloke who'd actually been there and still had all his faculties.'

It's fun riling Spike. All right, suicidal, if he didn't have the chip. He gets so indignant. Funny.

And I know he enjoys it too. There's this almost grin hovering there. I guess he likes the conflict.

'You're right Spike, I should have more respect for the elderly. Want me to mush up your food for you?'

~~~

Trip goes pretty quickly. Whelp babbles on bout all sorts of gobshite. He's not bad company, if he can stop being a comedian for one second. Let him take over the radio for a bit. Some damn awful caterwauling from some prepubescent girl group is wailing on right now. I pull into the motel we're staying at. Anya booked a room for us over the Internet. I told her I'd find us a place to stay but apparently she doubted my abilities to find precious little Xander here appropriate shelter.

'Right, let's drop our stuff off and get to this concert,' I say.

Harris nods.

We go and get the key from reception. All booked and paid for, lovely. Remind me to thank the whelp's girlfriend when we get back.

Xander unlocks the door, seeing as it was his credit card and signature and all. Nice enough room as motel rooms go. Minimal six legged life. Non-smoking apparently. Thank you Anyanka. Like I'd smoke in the room anyway. Have some self restraint. Ok, I would, but only after sex, and it's not like I'll be havin' any of that.

Two beds. Tele. Oh and cable.

Nice.

~~~

I dump my overnight bag on the floor. Ooh little coffee and sugar sachets. And towels folded neatly on the beds with little guest soaps.

I open the mini fridge. Empty. For some reason An' refused to book anywhere that had a mini bar. You'd swear she didn't trust us. Spike pops in his bags of blood, that have been keeping cool wrapped up with a couple of cold packs. In a Hello Kitty bag. He claims it's Dawn's.

You'll notice I said beds. Two of them. One each. One for me and one for Spike.

Separate.

Why do motel rooms always make me horny?

I glance up and Spike's looking at me. He drops his Hello Kitty bag on the bed (snicker), and sort of coughs.

'Right, come on Harris, let's get going,' he says.

~~~

We head into the club where the Offspring are playing. Lots of little teenage girls giggling and squealing. And I know this is Harris's idea of heavy music. Sad. Still, coulda been worse. Coulda been that bint I've caught him listening to, Christina Bloody Aguilera.

Wonder if he picked this band cause of me.

Shut up, you pathetic, dead git.

~~~

We grab some beers and sit back and watch the support band. They're pretty good and sound a lot like some of the groups that play at the Bronze. Cool. Spike's doing some people watching. Which involves him watching the crowd then leaning over to me and making witty comments about whoever had the misfortune to attract his attention. Ok, so I do it too. We amuse ourselves.

Shut up. I am so not as bad as Spike.

~~~

Finally the Offspring get their arses out on stage.

'Hey, Xander, 'm going to go dance a bit, you want to?'

He looks positively terrified.

'With you?'

'No, moron, in the mosh pit.' I shake my head. 'For fuck's sake.'

~~~

He looks disgusted. Good one Xander. Yes, Spike would really want to dance with you. Dummy. Crap.

~~~

Bloody hell, as if I'd want to dance with him. Press my body up against his and grind against him, writhing together in time to our own lust ridden rhythm. Not bloody likely.

'Yeah, duh Spike,' he says.

Oh. He was kidding.

~~~

I'm thinking, right now a nice energetic jump around in the mosh pit would be a really good idea.

~~~

It's a stinking, hot, sweaty, seething mass of humanity. Screaming out, laughing and yelling along to the music coming from the stage. I can hear hearts pounding all around me. Hear and smell the rushing blood. It's intoxicating. Best fun you can have short of killing and shagging. There's pushing, punching and kicking, and blokes and chits being handed over the top of everyone. I'm only doing the pushing, sodding chip.

I've lost Harris. He's in here somewhere.

~~~

Oh and ow? Ok, I'm going to be the big wuss boy and get out of the mosh pit.

~~~

I make my way out of the pit. Disengaging from the hot flesh and blood scent. Most of the sweat I'm covered with isn't mine. Bloody good fun all round.

~~~

And I'm going to sound like a great big girly man again, cause walking out of the crowd of people into actual breathable air is one of the fucking best feelings in the world.

I take a deep breath as the sudden refreshing relative coolness hits me. I find a convenient wall and lean against it.

Wonder where Spike is?

~~~

I see Harris. He's covered in sweat, his hair's stuck to his forehead and that bloody stupid shirt of his is torn open. And he's panting a bit, eyes wide.

I'm hard.

~~~

Spike is standing right in front of me. And he's all... hot and breathing heavily. Which I know he doesn't need to do but seems to do all the time anyway.

Ok, taking a deep breath too now, because he's all taut muscle in that shirt and you can practically feel the pent up energy radiating off him. And he's looking at me. Just... standing there, looking at me. And way too close.

~~~

Dexter Holland is screaming out something about balls and chains.

And I just look at Xander. Those bloody wide brown eyes looking back at me. And yeah, not exactly having the purest of thoughts at present.

And fuck it all to hell.

Then he moves as I move.

And oh god yeah, we're kissing.

~~~

'Me and my old lady lay in bed all day. When I say I love her, well she rolls the other way.'

And his lips are on mine. And oh god, it feels good. I grip his arm roughly and he's not even touching me with his hands. Just lips of Spike. Tongue of Spike. Did I just whimper? I'll take that as a yes. And oh, hands now, his hand on my hip and one on my arm and it's too tight, but oh fuck, have I mentioned it feels good?

~~~

'But really she don't mean it, everything she says. Still if I believe in love, there's nothing wrong...'

The whelp's tongue's in my mouth and this is turning out to be the best bloody idea I've had all night. And he's hard. Hard like me as I press my groin into him and hold him tight against me.

'There's nothing wrong with my head.'

~~~

Spike grinds his hard on against mine and I rock my hips against him. He feel's like he's all tight jeans and cock and muscles. Oh god, I can't believe that turns me on.

Ok, got to breathe.

~~~

'So what if we're making a scene now you know you know she don't give a shit, when she's pawin and grabbin on me now you know I don't mind a bit'

The whelp pulls back, gasping. He looks at me all confused. Time for the bloody gentle let down speech or the get off me speech, or more bloody likely, the ew gross much speech. I look at Xander. Yeah I'm panting. Can't help it. The whelp licks his lips.

Then we're at it again.

I want him. And I don't bloody care.

~~~

'It's all good we ain't gonna change now. The world is unaware.'

Oh god, Spike. I hold him to me. His body is hard, and ok, I've been thinking about exactly this. This is wrong. There's definitely some wrongage. But am so not thinking about that now.

~~~

'So if you want go on and stare, cause we don't care. We don't care...'

I press Xander back up against the wall. We're groping each other and snogging and he's making all those good sounds.

'Bloody hell, I've missed this,' I breathe.

Bugger, I said that out loud. Don't care. It's true. Have bloody wanted to do this for weeks now. Every time he makes some half-funny remark at my expense, and every time he makes some self-deprecating comment. I crush my mouth on his, before he can say something now.

'Me and my old lady suck each other dry. And when in that position I'm the luckiest man alive.'

~~~

'Quenching our libidos, passing time away.'

And ok, my brain's starting to kick in now. Spike missed this? Spike's been wanting me?

Oh fuck. Anya.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

'Spike-' I manage to say.

'Yeah?' he asks and oh, he's...

I grab at his hand just as he's starting on my zip.

'What?' he asks, and looks confused.

Crap.

'Spike - stop.'

~~~

Oh. Anya. Of course.

Fanbloodytastic.

~~~

Spike pulls away and leans back against the wall. He lets out a deep breath.

Crap.

I'm supposed to feel proud of myself right? Cause I did the right thing? And didn't cheat on my girlfriend. But actually all I'm feeling is horny and... a bit sick. Crap. And Spike is just leaning against the wall, his eyes shut. Crap.

'Now that we believe in love, there's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with our head.'

~~~

I close my eyes. Ok. Kid doesn't want to. Not like I'm desperate for him. Bit of a shag in the back of the car would've been nice, but not like I can't live without it. Can't let him think I give a shit about this.

I open my eyes.

'Want a beer?' I ask.

~~~

I swallow hard and nod. And I just do the wall leaning thing. Ahh nice. Comfortable, non-judgemental, wall. Oh god. I kissed Spike. Ok, so I didn't fuck Spike, but kissage is not good. And the wanting to fuck Spike? Very much of the bad. Sleeping with Spike is so not a possibility. I can't have sex with Spike, or do any sticky touchy feely things either. It's just... I just can't. It's just wrong. And it's not just because of Anya's old life as a vengeance demon. It's, well, she's great to me and lovely and she doesn't suspect a thing, and what kind of prick takes advantage of that. And we just got back together.

Even if I do want Spike. Which is so very, very, not helping.

~~~

I come back with a couple of beers and hand one to the whelp. I glance at him. And he's studiously not looking at me.

Bloody hell. Bloody pathetic this is. S'pose I'd better say something. Lighten the mood up. Act as if nothing happened.

He beats me to it.

'And you wanted to go see Anal Cunt,' he says.

~~~

Spike smirks.

'Heard good things bout that band. Probably would've got a bit of headache though if I wore razor blades into the mosh pit.'

'Nice Spike. You're a really swell guy, you know that?'

He chuckles.

'Yeah, mate, I'm real swell.' And there's just something in his tone and he looks away.

Crap.

~~~

I wander over to the car after the concert is over. Harris is sitting on the trunk waiting for me. I nod briefly and he jumps down off the trunk while I unlock the car.

Seeing him again's not helping. Thought jumping about in the mosh pit for the past hour or so might've taken the edge off. Apparently not.

Not going to let him know that though.

'Shift your arse Harris,' I say climbing into the car.

~~~

Ok. And now with the awkward silence.

'So uh, that was the Offspring,' I say. Cause, yeah, not very good at participating in the whole tense being quiet thing.

Spike starts the car.

'Not as good as the Ramones but least it wasn't fucking Backstreet Boys,' he says. I'm so happy that Spike just said something relatively pleasant that I ignore that comment about the Backstreet Boys.

Ok. Not thinking about sitting next to hot sweaty Spike. Oh god, Anya. Oh fuck. Not thinking about kissing him. Not thinking about...

Shut up.

~~~

I swing into the motel car park. Probably a good thing that we didn't go with the double bed like the bloke in reception suggested. Bit funny at the time though, to see Harris's face.

The whelp is silent. He keeps shooting me these damn quick glances. I know he was just as much wanting a shag as I was. The way he kisses... Bugger. Why the fuck did he have to go back to demon girl? We were getting on all right. Having some good times. Having bloody fantastic sex. Thought he liked that last time.

Bleeding hell.

~~~

Spike isn't saying much. I wonder if he's pissed off about the kissing. Ok. So NOT thinking about that.

Grnargh! I run my hands through my hair.

I think I just need to go to bed. Alone. And get some sleep. And pretend it never happened and that I'm not wishing I was still single so I could keep doing the kissage followed by some shaggage.

I get out of the car.

~~~

Harris gets out of the car. Bloody hell. This is bloody pathetic. I am a master vampire. Don't go moping round cause some twenty-one year old kid has suddenly developed a conscience.

Yeah. Bloody hell. I'm a vampire.

Want, take, have. I bloody want Xander, I should bloody well take him. None of this bloody pussying about.

I turn off the car, lock it up and follow him into the motel room.

~~~

As we step inside the room, Spike pulls the door shut firmly. I turn to look at him.

And suddenly I'm pressed against the wall by Spike and his body.

Oh.

Oh?

Oh. Bad. Very bad.

Damn that feels good.

~~~

I push Xander up against the wall and press my hips into him. Graze my lips over his. Teasing them. Yeah that's it pet. Open up. My tongue flickers inside his mouth. Bloody hell I want to just throw him down on that bed and shag him til he comes to his fucking senses. Can't do that. Can't let him see how much I want him. I just want him. Not need him. Don't need him.

Soft coaxing kisses.

~~~

Ok, I just moaned. Not helping. So not helping.

'Spike-' I try to protest but it's a bit hard when he's making me want to kiss him.

Oh good, stopped with the kissing. Oh- ears.

'Spike.'

'Yeah?' He doesn't pull back. Just nibbles on my ear a bit more.

'Spike, oh yeah, oh... I mean, no. Spike, I can't.'

More licks and sucks and nibbling. Oh. And with the hands. Ohgod. Ohyeah. Just there. No. No. Not there. There is bad. Very bad.

And it's so very not helping that I'm remembering how he touched me like this when we weren't wearing clothes.

Oh and now a mental image of Spike naked. Thank you very much.

'Why's that pet?' he breathes in my ear. He rubs his hard on against mine. Tingles. Good tingles. No, bad. Very bad tingles. Not going to moan. Not going to moan.

'Because. Because I have a girlfriend and it's cheating, dammit.'

Oooooohhh, he stuck his tongue in my ear. Bastard. He knows that makes me all shivery.

~~~

'Don't care,' I say. Cause I don't. All I care about is touching this stupid human boy. Tasting him. As long as I can.

'You mightn't but I do,' he says.

The whelp's got a valid argument, but he seems to be missing the very salient point that I'm a vampire and I don't have morals. Least not when I'm trying to seduce him AWAY from his girlfriend. Sides he's not pushing me away, just arching his hips up and tilting his neck just so.

~~~

'You can't tell me you don't want this,' he says in that damn sexy vampire voice from somewhere in the vicinity of my neck. Aherrrrr... Gulp? He rests his hand obviously on my groin. Ok, not rests, touching, feeling... ohgod.

'Ok, so I want it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it.'

And now his hand is under my shirt... nipples? ohnnghh...

~~~

'Spike- what are you doing?' he asks in a strangled voice. Yeah, like that pet?

I grind my hips against him a bit.

'I'm seducing you pet. Thought that was obvious.'

'Spike. Stop.'

~~~

I try to pull away to the side but he presses into me. Holding me with his body and his hands. Possessive. I suddenly get irritated.

'Great, I don't get a choice. So this is going to be like when you chained Buffy up in your crypt is it?'

And then he's not touching me. At all.

'Fuck you,' he says and he walks out, the door slamming behind him.

Crap. No, wait. Not crap. It's not my fault. He deserved it. Not crap. Good me. Yay me. Fuck.

~~~

Fuck him. I sit on the hood of my car and have a smoke. It's not like that. I loved Buffy. That- that was a mistake yeah, but... it was... I was desperate and Dru... everything was fucked up. I don't care that much about him. I don't want him that much. Take or leave him. I definitely don't love him. Why would I love him. Buffy - she was sunshine and strength and power. The whelp - he's some kid with a smart mouth and an inferiority complex.

Don't want him that much.

I'm not fucking sulking.

~~~

Ok. Good for me. I resisted the temptation. Fuck. There shouldn't BE a temptation. WHY do I want Spike so much?

I've got a sexy, gorgeous, lovely, beautiful, and can I say hot girlfriend at home. Why am I even thinking about Spike? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual, what with all the fucking, and the liking the fucking, and the liking Spike's body. And I've checked out some other guys just to see if they turn me on, after I first started doing the wild monkey dance with Spike, and yeah, some of them I didn't not find attractive. So I think I might like men. But I so know I still like girls. Also did some checking out of the female species. And lots and lots of turning on there.

And I can't like Spike more than Anya. I can't. That would be... stupid? Foolardy? Plain dumb? Why would I want Spike more than Anya?

Stupid brain.

But then why am I still thinking about just before?

~~~

I sit in the car and turn on the radio. Horny as hell. Wonder if I should just go inside and toss off anyway.

NO.

Don't want Harris thinking I'm wanking because of him. I put out my cigarette and lean back in the seat. Listening to some crass top fifty music station. I unbutton my jeans and reach for a couple of serviettes left over from some fast food we got on the trip.

I'll have a quick wank, then I'll feel better.

~~~

I flick through the channels on the tv, then turn it off. Wonder where Spike is. I'm not going after him. He deserved it. He knows I have a girlfriend. I'm not available for quick shags and blow jobs anymore. Not ever going to cheat on anyone ever again. Been there, had the girlfriend fall through a floor and get impaled.

I strip down to my boxers and pull on a non-sweaty t-shirt. I pull back the sheets. Motel bed. I hope he doesn't try anything again. Cause I don't think I'd be able to say no this time.

Hope he isn't too upset. Oh, yeah right. What am I thinking. This is Spike. Why would he care? It was only the whole Buffy thing that pissed him off. I'm just sex to him and someone he can tolerate to hang around with.

I so hope he doesn't try anything. I thump the pillow a bit, then lie down.

Wish I wasn't so horny.

I'm going to take a shower.

~~~

I get up a nice rhythm. And yeah, I'm thinking bout the whelp. Why fucking not.

Thinking bout fucking him. Thinking bout letting him fuck me. Thinking bout that hot warm mouth of his.

And that stupid grin.

~~~

Mmmm, hot water, luxury. Anya. Thinking about Anya. Nice, naked Anya. Anya on her knees. Since when did An' have white blonde hair. Ok. Spike then. This once. Seeing as I resisted actual sex with him, it's got to be ok if I think about him now. Kind of a reward.

~~~

I sit in the car for a bit longer. Have another smoke.

S'all fucked up isn't it. Times like these you have to wonder at what point you went wrong. First falling for the Slayer. Then taking comfort in her idiot kid sidekick. Wanting idiot kid sidekick. Lusting after him. Not wanting to fuck things up.

Think I might've though. Sad bloody state of affairs this is.

Bloody hell.

~~~

It's nearly dawn when I hear the door open. I shut my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I hear Spike shrug off his duster and take off his boots. Then I hear the springs of the other bed squeak quietly as he lies down. He shifts around then settles.

Ok. Going to sleep now.

~~~

The whelp's awake. I can hear his heart - too quick. And I know it's because I fucked up and he's scared. Like I would try anything again. I'm not bleeding desperate.

'Just bloody go to sleep already. I'm not going to bloody jump you or anything,' I snap.

I hear Harris shift about on his bed.

'Shut up.'

And I almost laugh, cause it's a bloody ridiculous retort.

'Pillock,' I grunt.

'Dumb vampire.'

'Prat.'

There's silence. Maybe he's given up. Least his heart isn't racing anymore.

~~~

I feel better, it's amazing how much good some childish insults can do. But I'm still a bit pissed off about the whole seduction thing.

'You seriously thought I'd cheat on Anya?' I ask.

I hear Spike roll over.

'Oh right yeah. I forgot. You're one of the good guys. Must've been the way your tongue was down my throat that confused me.'

'Shut up,' I say again. 'This is so not my fault. I said no.'

'And I stopped. So we're both happy. Let's get some sleep.'

'Good. So shut up already.'

'You bloody shut up.'

~~~

There's a bit of silence, then,

'Want to watch some tv?'

Bloody hell, why not.

~~~

I sleep til nearly one the next day. We can't drive back until it's dark. So after flicking through the tv stations for a while, trying not to wake Spike, I get up and get dressed and go out and have a look round L.A.

Do something non-Spike related with no sleeping Spikes in the room looking all innocent and pretty. It's weird, Spike is actually pretty when he's silent and asleep.

~~~

I wake up about four. The motel is empty. Figure the whelp must've gone out for a look around the big city 'fore we have to get back to Sunnyhell.

~~~

I bought Anya presents. Lot's of presents. Because buying presents is heaps easier than thinking about things.

I open the motel room door quietly in case Spike is still asleep.

Oh.

Spike is not asleep. Spike is... I take in Spike, the tv, the porn on the tv, the cock in Spike's hand.

Oh.

Then Spike sees me.

'Bloody hell!' he exclaims, pulling a sheet up to cover himself.

~~~

Bloody hell.

The whelp just stares at me. Like a bloody rabbit in the headlights. He's blushing. Think I'd be bloody red too if I had circulation.

Bugger. Bollocks. Bloody fucking bleeding hell.

Then he looks away, and stiffly puts the shopping down.

Considering that I just tried to seduce him last night. This is pretty bloody bad timing.

Bugger. I reach out and turn off the tv.

~~~

'Don't mind me,' I say, ok, a bit sarcastically.

I concentrate on the really cool pattern on the curtains as I put the presents for Anya down. Spike. Cock. God, Spike was jerking off. I caught Spike jerking off. I decide that the pretend it never happened option is a good one right now.

Spike looks at me, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. Slamming the door.

~~~

I sigh and lean my head against the mirror looking at the bathroom behind me. It's pretty cool, that. You can be right in front of a mirror, but still see everything behind you reflected clearly.

Best case scenario, Xander follows me in here and I take him against the bathroom cabinet.

Worst case scenario, the kid thinks I'm some kind of pervert who won't give it a rest and tells me to get fucked.

Or stakes me.

I tuck myself back in and do up my jeans.

Since when do I care about shit like this? He's the one who walked in. I ought to be out there still, having a good time of it. For some bloody reason, I seem to give a flying fuck what he thinks.

~~~

I don't think Spike was doing that on purpose. Obviously he was masturbating on purpose. But I don't think he intended me to walk in on him. The whole 'oh shit' look on his face sort of indicated that. So that's good.

Also the storming off to the bathroom. Another good sign.

I really had expected a smirk and an invitation. Which I would have turned down. Of course. Because seeing Spike spanking the monkey, not a turn on. At all. Much.

And not thinking about the look on Spike's face before he realised I was there. Not thinking about the way he was biting his lip, about the little moan I heard.

And SO not thinking about what could've happened if he hadn't stopped.

I turn on the tv again.

Wonder how long he's going to be in the bathroom for.

Hey, there IS free porn.

~~~

I hear something that suspiciously sounds like a pornographic movie. I don't bloody believe it. I listen for a bit.

It is. The whelp has turned the tele back on. Bloody hell. He's watching the porn.

Bloody hell.

~~~

I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so incredibly stupid. Bad Xander. Stop right this minute. Spike is in the next room. This is so fucking stupid.

Oh yeah.

Hmmm, that's an interesting position.

Ok, best case scenario... no. There is no best case scenario. There is a worst case scenario: Spike comes out, sees me jerking off and points and laughs. Ok, more likely smirks. But I will ignore that. Hey, if he can jerk off whenever he wants to, so can I.

~~~

Either the whelp has turned on the tele to drown out whatever noises he thinks I'm gonna be making in here... or... he's enjoying some televisual entertainment himself.

I'm hard again at that thought.

I listen at the door. And... Bloody hell. Have to chuckle, cause I can't believe he's fucking doing that. Tossing off, knowing full well I might walk in...

Oh god.

~~~

I wonder if he's going to come out. I mean I guess it doesn't matter. Because I'm not doing this for his benefit. I'm doing it because there is the porn and I am horny.

Girl porn. It's girl porn.

And I'm just masturbating. It's not cheating. And just saying Spike does come out. That's not cheating. As long as he just jerks off quietly to himself on the other bed.

Not cheating.

Anya doesn't mind if I watch porn.

~~~

I pull off my t-shirt and open the bathroom door. I look at Xander and he's sitting on the bed, staring fixedly at the television. Wanking. And if it didn't turn me on so much and completely fuck up my head I'd have to admire the sheer balls the kid has to do it.

And he doesn't look at me, but he doesn't stop neither.

~~~

Spike pads across the room and crosses my line of vision for a brief moment. And I notice two things. No shirt. Hard on.

I hear the other bed squeak as he sits down. Good, the other bed. If he's way over on the other bed, it's definitely not cheating.

Then the pop pop as he unbuttons his jeans.

Focusing on the tv.

Hah, I can't believe I kept going. Go me. And yes, I'm nervous. But also, excited.

Yep, this is fucking excellent porn.

~~~

I sit back on the bed and bend my knees so my feet are flat on the bed. I'm hard. And I know it's got bloody nothing to do with the tv.

I start stroking and I hear a small moan, but I don't look over at him. I can smell him, smell his arousal, the pre-cum, and a slight scent of fear. I hear his heart pounding in his chest.

I stroke harder.

An' we're just going to play a little game where we pretend that neither of us is doing this because of each other.

~~~

Ok, I just snuck a quick look at Spike. Just to see whether he was actually jerking off or just like, laughing at me silently or something.

He was sitting there, head back against the head board, eyes closed. Stroking himself slowly. Gah, have I mentioned the no shirt?

Ohfuck... I bite my lip to stop moaning, and slide my hand faster. Lube or lotion or something would be good, I'm getting a bit sore after last night's effort as well as today's.

~~~

I hear a couple of stiffled moans and some heavy breathing. And it's not from the tele either. Although the sounds of rutting from that direction are only helping the mood. Yeah Xander, yeah pet. That's it. I open my eyes and risk a glance at him. Ohfuck yes, he's biting his lip and he's all flushed and one hand's clenching the sheets and the other's stroking that nice big dick of his.

~~~

I look over at Spike and catch him looking at me. I look away, then look back, just as he's looking back. Ok, back to the porn. Watching the tv. Watching a big hairy guy screw a woman who looks about thirty but who's dressed up like a cheerleader.

Good tv. Nice non-cheating tv.

~~~

I remember the last time I saw Harris pull himself off. I was leaning over him wanking and I'd just finger fucked him good and proper. I pull myself and think about his hot mouth sliding over my cock. Or better my cock sliding into that tight arse of his.

Yeah. I look over at him again and catch him looking at me. I just hold his gaze. And pull.

Yeah pet. Tell me you don't want this.

~~~

Ohfuck Spike. Fuck. Ohyes. I stroke faster. Oh crap, no, not thinking about Spike. And I realise I'm still looking at him and quickly look back at the tv.

~~~

Xander looks away and then looks back again. Each look's a little longer and I put on a bit of a show for him, looking at him, holding his eyes and pulling myself. He lets his eyes flicker over me and linger in that damn hesitant way that makes me just want to shag him.

Then neither of us are looking at the tv anymore. We're both looking at each other. The whelp's just sitting there pulling on himself, watching me wank. Pulling on that cock of his. Bloody hell, it's erotic.

I want him. Inside me. I want fucking.

~~~

Ok, I'm panting now. And I'm watching Spike and he's looking at me. His tight body, and that cock. And ok, yes, I think about fucking him. About sliding into him.

And that time he did me.

And... oh fuck.

Spike gets up onto his knees on the bed and he pushes his jeans down off his hips. Practically naked Spike.

Spike's butt. He's so damn sexy.

He kneels there, jeans around his parted knees, pulling his cock and looking at me with those blue eyes that are all lusty. And oh, yes, I mean, fuck, oh god, he reaches behind himself and... ohgnnahh?

~~~

Yeah, pet. Yeah Xander. Oh yes. Watch me. I push a finger inside myself, pulling on my cock with one hand and finger myself with the other. My eyes locked on the whelp's. And I'm thinking bout him doing this to me. Bout his fingers, about his dick up my arse, thrusting into me. Bout his hand pulling on my cock.

Those brown eyes just stare at me, full of lust, and he strokes himself even harder. I thrust inside myself faster and I find that spot.

'Oh yes!' I buck forward into my own hand. I'm gonna cum.

~~~

I'm going to cum. Going to cum, just watching Spike debauch himself. And its not as funny looking as it sounds. It's damn erotic actually and Spike just looks... hot. Like sex. Lust, desire, violence, heat. All that wrapped up into a bleach blonde guy pleasuring himself. And I can't help wishing I was those fingers.

And then he cries out. 'Yes, oh fuck yes!'

'Oh fuck, I'm going to cum!' I gasp. 'Oh fuck, Spike!' And part of me is telling me I shouldn't have called his name, but I'm too close to cumming to panic about it.

Spike's eyes widen.

'Xander!' he gasps and I shoot cum onto the bed in front of me.

'Ohfuckyes, bloody hell! Yes!' He says and cums too.

~~~

I collapse back onto the bed. Now that was intense.

I hear him get up and go into the bathroom and shut the door.

I sigh. All right. Time to get back to 'we're not shagging cause he doesn't cheat' land.

I hope it's dark out. I'm not going to be able to stay in this room with that boy for much longer without shagging him silly.

~~~

Oh god.

Oh crap.

Oh fuck.

~~~

Xander comes out of the bathroom just as I'm pulling up my trousers. He doesn't look at me.

Bugger.

'Can we get going soon Spike? I told Anya I'd be home by eight.'

I nod.

'Just about dark enough,' I say.

And he picks up his bag and leaves the motel room.

~~~

We don't talk on the way home. I just got off from looking at Spike. Spike. I got off with Spike.

And I feel so guilty. Which is good. That is what I should feel. I've got a gadzillion whys in my head. But really, all I have is one question: do I have a reason to break up with Anya? Do I want to break up with Anya? Ok, that's two questions, but they are very similar. And the second one is more a clarification.

God. I think the fact that I spent the last twenty-four hours lusting over someone else, a guy, and then engaged in a pretty erotic experience with said guy, sort of indicates that maybe I ought to be questioning my current relationship. The fact that, if he wasn't the cause of all this crap, I'd want to kiss him and possibly hold him, isn't helping either. Cause he looks a bit, I don't know, quiet.

But he is the cause. And I'm so confused. I so badly need some time to think. The two hour and a half hour car drive were nowhere near enough. I barely manage a bye to Spike when we finally get to my place.

And Anya's waiting when I walk in the door.

~~~

6: Not Anya

Not Anya.

I just look at Anya. I don't know what to say.

'Did you have an enjoyable time at the concert?' she asks.

I nod.

'Presents,' I say, holding up the bags. 'Uh, I brought you presents.'

And then I don't have to speak for a while because Anya is busy looking through the gifts I bought and exclaiming and being excited. Presents were a good plan.

And Anya is just so happy and just so pleased that I can't say anything. She keeps kissing me and opening the plastic bags and its just stupid crap I bought. Just things that I thought she might like. But to her it seems so special. And I don't know why I don't buy her more presents.

I'm scum.

~~~

I watch the whelp disappear into this apartment block, then start the car and drive away. Don't know what to think. Don't know what to want.

Harris was doing that whole inner turmoil thing all the bloody way home. Sorry I had a wank with him now. It was his blimmin' idea. Wasn't my fault he walked in on me.

Bloody hell.

Am thinking that if I hadn't come out of that bathroom, it would've been a good thing. Or even if I'd just kept my dick in my pants in the first place, so the whelp wouldn't have walked in on me. Cause much as I liked playing spank the monkey with the kid, the whole cold shoulder treatment on the way home wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs.

Fuck.

Way he called my name though. And he can deny it all he wants, but he was lookin' at me. It was me he was tossing off over. Know he still wants me, for all his protesting.

Yeah pillock, that's why he's gone home to his nice warm woman while you go back to your cold empty crypt and relive past shags with your hand. Sad, pathetic loser.

~~~

It's later. Anya is fixing something on her website or selling shares or something. She thinks I'm watching television, but really I'm thinking. I'm thinking about her and about us. I switch off the television.

'Anya,' I say. And I feel like I'm watching myself talk from somewhere deep inside myself. 'I don't want to hurt you.'

She looks up at me and frowns.

'You don't want to hurt me Xander? Why would you hurt me?'

And I look down.

'I love you Anya. But I don't think... I mean. I think you were right to leave the first time.'

'But why? I don't understand. Well I do, but those are my reasons. Why are you unhappy? Haven't I been trying hard enough?'

'No, no, it's not your fault,' I say. And I want to tell her about Spike, I really do, but it just sticks in my throat. So I don't. I just try to explain why, while leaving out all the lusting after blond vampires part. Which is hard because I'm not sure of why myself.

'I'm just worried that I'm using you,' I finish lamely.

'Using me?'

I sit down and put my head in my hands. 'I think I might just be with you because it's easier.' I take a deep breath. 'And... lately... I've been thinkingaboutotherpeople.'

I should just tell her I think I'm gay. But it's not like that. It's just Spike. And I'm not even sure if that's a reason to leave her. And I can't bring myself to even start explaining about that.

'There's someone else?' Anya's voice is trembling and I feel worse, if that's possible.

I shake my head. Because there's not. There's a guy I want to be friends with but who I ended up fucking. There's not someone else. 'No, no, it's not that. There's no one else, but I'm thinking about other people. And I shouldn't be doing that.'

'Oh,' she says in a small tight voice. And have I mentioned that I feel like shit? I expect questions, and arguments and Anya trying to convince me to change my mind. But she's silent. I look up and she's just crying.

She sniffs.

'You're right, we can't keep doing this. I hoped things would change but they haven't.'

'I'm sorry,' I say.

'I am too Xander. You were a good boyfriend most of the time. And I will miss the sex.'

I manage a half grin. 'Me too.'

Anya sniffs and smiles a watery smile.

'The sex was good.'

'I'm sorry Anya. I really wanted this to work.'

'I know. So did I,' she says. 'I think that's why we stayed together as long as we did. I pretended all the things that were wrong weren't.'

I nod. And pull her to me, hugging her tight.

And yeah I cry too.

I suck.

~~~

I find out about Harris breaking up with his girlfriend through Dawn, couple of days after it happened, apparently. Nibblet tells me that Harris told Anya he was thinking about other people but there was no one else.

'Like I give a toss 'bout Harris's love life,' I tell her and turn back to my book. It's a Stephen King and it's bloody funny. Damn good writer.

No one else, eh? And there's not going to be neither, least not me, if I have any say in it. Was just sex. And if he wants it again, which he will, he'll fucking have to ask, cause I'm done making the first move. Tired of being a convenient male body.

'Thinking of other people'? Yeah, done a bit more than that didn't you Harris?

I do NOT bloody care that he didn't come running once he broke up with demon girl. Never once crossed my mind that he dumped her for me.

Oh, just sod off.

~~~

Ok, so I've broken up with Anya, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to go running to Spike now. I mean, it's SPIKE. Spike who is a vampire, who is a guy, who thinks I'm lame. Who bites his lip when he jacks off and cums because I do.

No. No. No.

Besides, I told Anya there wasn't anyone else. I mean, it's not like I'm going to tell her, but what if she finds out. There has to be a suitable mourning period first before I get horizontal with anyone else. Just because. It's the right thing to do. And anyway, Anya hasn't left this time. We sort of decided that we still *liked* each other and Anya was so, like, amazed that she really wants to try the 'being friends' thing. Which is actually pretty cool. Because I don't *not* want to see her anymore. So I don't want to stuff that up either.

But things are really tense with Spike though. I haven't talked to him since that night. I mean, it's too weird and awkward. I don't know what to say. I guess I don't know how he'll react. I hope he's not pissed off with me about the whole not speaking thing. He might think I was pissed off with him. Ok, I was, at first. Ok, still am a bit. But I know it's not fair to blame him for me breaking up with Anya, or having sweaty, naughty thoughts about him. Which is why... I mean I've got to talk to him sometime, I don't not want to be friends with him either.

I mean we say hi. Well, he half waves when I say hi. Ok, so I don't say hi specifically to him, it's like, hey Will, hey Tara, hey Spike. And he does that wave thing.

And even if I do you know, want Spike, and a suitable mourning period has passed, what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if it was just sex, some game? And why am I thinking about this like it's more than sex? Because Spike, boyfriend? No.

Very no.

Of course, if I happen to be with Spike, and Spike happens to like, do that kissing stuff he did at the concert, then there's no reason for us not to have the wild monkey sex, preferably with penetration. If he happened to.

~~~

I show up at the Magic Box for pre-demon slaying meeting. The usual, how big is it, what kills it, where is it, let's go thwack it. Harris is there. Haven't spoken to him since that night. Not that I'm avoiding him or anything, just, what's there to say? Hey mate, heard you broke up with your girlfriend, wanna shag? Not bloody likely.

'Sides, not like he's doing much talking either. Just says hi then avoids looking at me for the rest of the night. Not bloody awkward at all.

So I'm thinking, not much chance he's going to be wanting a shag in the near future, no.

~~~

'So Spike and Xander if you go to check on the south side for this nest, Tara and I will work on this spell-'

Spike and me? Gulp? No. Not good. Bad. Very bad. I risk a glance at Spike. He's just standing there examining his fingernails. I can't say anything cause then he'll think I don't want to spend time with him. Which isn't true. I do want to spend time with him, just not yet.

~~~

Oh good. The witches have suggested I go spend some quality time with Xander. That's not going to be uncomfortable.

~~~

We're walking through the park by the lake. Uhuh, Sunnydale has a lake. Perfect for moonlight walks and creepy unexplained disappearances. Ooh and I'm so glad I'm here with an only slightly reformed soulless killer. Lucky me.

Right at this moment the soulless killer is jumping on stuff and jumping over stuff. It's so not sexy.

Of course, if he *happens* to like, decide to redirect that excess energy elsewhere... Argh! No. I'm not wanting Spike/Xander sexual situations. Because that would be... bad... why again?

~~~

Harris is walking couple of feet away. We ain't said much. Sod him. He's the one who got all silent.

I jump over a park bench and kick some stones. Hope some nasties show up soon. I'm bored.

Harris keeps glancing at me. Well, if he wants me, all he has to do is ask. Never know, might say yes.

It's about bloody time he broke up with the demon chit. Him snogging and getting all hard and wanking off with another bloke, namely me, should've tipped him off that all wasn't well in the Harris household. Still, lots of blokes have spent their entire lives livin' a lie. He coulda done that too, I spose, nice and safe and very respectable until you're found dead of a heart attack in the home of a 17 year old rent boy with a ball gag in your mouth.

So, got to give him credit for breaking up with her I suppose.

~~~

The not talking is getting to me. Now I'm sort of over the being pissed at Spike and the brooding thing doesn't hold much appeal. I should say something. Anything. Just to you know, lighten the mood. Get some buddy-vibes happening. Stop Spike looking like he wants to rip out my spinal column and use it to beat me over the head.

'So, uh, ever seen one of these Kirniarn demons before?'

Yeah, work talk. Safe. Companionable.

He nods.

'Nasty little buggers. Fond of flabby construction worker types.'

Oh.

Hey!

~~~

I smirk. Took him a bit to process that one.

'Hey, buddy, I'll have you know I'm not at all flabby. Very much taut and well-muscled,' he says.

I look him over. 'Oh,' I say. 'My mistake. Must have been the angle I was looking from.'

He thinks about that too. And blushes. Yeah, it could be taken in a dirty kind of way. If I'd happened to have, say, knelt behind him, and licked his arse. Which I have.

~~~

I'm trying to think of a witty comeback insult.

'Might want to get that eyesight checked there Spike. Seems to be failing you a bit. Must be age.'

Oh there we go.

He chuckles. Yep, I'm the funny one.

~~~

Hmmm. If he's not interested, what I'm going to do now will have no effect at all, now will it?

I lift my shirt up.

'Harris, this is taut and well-muscled-'

Unfortunately I don't get a chance to see the effect my bloody gorgeous body has on the whelp because we must have disturbed the Kirniarn nest and a whole swarm of them attack us.

Lucky they're only two feet high.

~~~

I was not affected by Spike's abs. I'm not being distracted thinking about them. So not turned on by that hard, pale flesh. And what it would be like to run my tongue over it. Ok, focusing.

These Kirniarn demons are scary, like toddlers with too many teeth. Kind of like the baby alien things on Galaxy Quest. Spike's kicking them away, but there's heaps of them. Like really scary garden gnomes.

I think they're swearing at us.

~~~

Little buggers.

'Xander!' I yell as I boot one across the same park bench I jumped before. 'Ow, dammit, little bastard!' Bitey little blighters. 'Lake!'

They can't stand water. And we kick them off us, heading for the lake. Why the little fuckwits nested near a lake is beyond me. Convenient for us though. Think they eat ducks. Or old ladies who walk Chihuahuas, and feed ducks.

~~~

We wade into the water, flinging the demons off us. Now I'm sure they're swearing. Potty-mouth demons. A couple try to jump across from the shore onto us but miss and flounder in the water squealing until they get back to shore or until they stop floundering. Ok, guess they can't swim.

I grin at Spike.

'Ok, that was a useful piece of knowledge bleach boy.'

He's grinning too and checking out the Kirniarn bites on his arms. I've got a couple, ok about five. They sting.

'Uh, Spike, are they like poisonous or anything?'

I'm starting to swell.

'Not usually,' he says, taking my arm. He looks up at me. And ok, not liking that look. Too much concern there Spike.

'Hold still,' he says and brings my wrist to his mouth.

Knew vampire sucking power was good for something.

~~~

'Er, Spike? You are just taking the poison aren't you? You're not having a little snack there right?' he says.

I give him a dirty look and spit out the infected shit from his arm. Then just give the wound a lick for good measure. True, vampire spit's good for that sort of thing, but it was more for the look on the kid's face that I did it. Interesting.

'Shut up Harris,' I growl and turn to the next bite.

He's got a heap on him. And they are infected. Never knew the little buggers were poisonous but Harris could just be allergic. I snort at that thought. Typical.

~~~

Ok, I've got three bites on my arms. One on my side and one... um, on my upper thigh. The kind of place that you sort of have to drop your pants to get to. I think Spike realises this about now too, because he's looking in the direction of my butt. He coughs, then quirks that eyebrow of his.

'Right,' he says. 'Drop your pants then.'

We're just over our knees in water, about mid-thigh. I can't drop my trousers too far or I'll lose them in the lake. And Spike can't exactly kneel down to suck out the poison either. So he's kind of leaning over beside me, hanging on to me for balance while he puts his mouth just under my right butt-cheek.

Yeah we fall over.

~~~

'Sodding hell,' I growl. We didn't just fall over, we completely-submerged, totally soaked, wet to the bone, Xander sodding Harris's big fat arse on my head, fell over.

And Harris is just laughing at me like a complete pillock. Git. This coat is leather you know.

Time for revenge. There's one more bite left on the kid.

'Lift up your shirt,' I say. He peels the wet material up, exposing the bite and also his not-so flabby stomach. I'm wet now, so it don't make much difference, so I kneel in front on him in the water. I put my hands on his hips and press my mouth to the bite and suck out the poison. Then I lick.

Harris quivers. Heh. If he wants me he's bloody going to have to ask.

~~~

Oh god.

~~~

So maybe I lick a bit more than the area covered by the bite. Can't be too careful where poisonous bites are concerned. And maybe I licked just a bit slower and just a bit more *intimately* then I did with the other bites.

No need for Harris to fall over again.

~~~

And losing balance then was probably the best idea I've had in a long time, cause otherwise Spike was going to be face to face with something in my pants that was not a stake. And that wet cargos would do nothing to hide.

'Uh, Spike?' I say suddenly. 'I think the Kirniarns have invented the boat.'

~~~

Oh sodding hell. Isn't that just the bleeding bollocks. The little blighters have got themselves a raft and are attempting to send a naval contingent after us. I look across the shore to the other side. Can't see any of the little buggers on the other side.

'How well can you swim?' I ask Harris.

'Spike,' he says. 'I've spent twenty-one summers trying to swim in a pool full of my cousins. I think I can take them out.'

~~~

We walk home all squishy. When it comes to capsizing a flotation device carrying small human shaped creatures, I'm the champ. True I learnt most of my skills from being on the receiving end of said capsizing, but all the same, I rule. Spike just looked on in awe the first time, then joined in. We just sank the boat, let the little monkey-butts drown, then sent the boat back to shore for the next lot. They kept coming. Spike kept making comments about lemmings.

'Now that, my friend, is what I like to call a plan without flaws,' I say to Spike.

He laughs, a good laugh.

'I'm bloody impressed Harris. Think you've found your calling. Life guard in the kiddies wading pool.' I don't think I need to mention that it was Spike, the Big Bad, who had opted for running, while I, Xander Harris wanted to stay and fight. I don't think I need mention that. Now. Maybe tomorrow, at the next Scooby meeting.

Apart from that suspicious poison-sucking incident he hasn't tried anything seduction like. Because, you know, if he *happened* to, well I don't have to say no this time. Wonder if he will when we get back to my place. Oh, yeah, we're going back to my place. He doesn't have a shower. Don't let the brochures fool you, Lake Sunnydale is neither pristine nor clear blue.

'You know, that old nature documentary,' says Spike. 'The one they always show of the lemmings jumping off the cliff?'

Oh no. 'Yes?'

'You know the cameramen pushed them don't you?'

'Thank you Spike, I won't be able to watch old Disney ever again.'

'Xander?'

'What?'

'You do know they used up about a hundred cats filming Milo and Otis don't you?'

'Shut up Spike.'

'Kept drowning having them amazing adventures apparently.'

'Thanks Spike.'

'Was Milo the cat or the dog?'

~~~

We stumble into Xander's apartment, sopping wet and laughing. Xander looks like a drowned rat. I tell him so.

He looks at me as if he's thinking of a retort.

And then he's just looking at me.

~~~

Spike's soaking wet, hair plastered to his head. Shirt clinging to his body. He's shrugged off his duster already. He said something, something I should respond to. Oh yeah.

'Look who's talking,' I manage. Not exactly Original Comeback of the Year, but I'm kind of distracted because he's sort of close. And have I mentioned how blue his eyes are? And ok yeah, I'm thinking about his hands on my hips and him kneeling in front of me and yeah, what else he could be sucking, if you must know, aside from a poisonous bite.

Now would be a good time for him to try that seduction thing again.

~~~

I look at Xander. Not going to make the first move. Not this time.

I can tell from that look on his face, from his dilated pupils, from the nervous way his heart's beating, without smelling it, that he's aroused.

I just stand there. Close. Breathing him in, drinking in his face, looking at those damn soft lips... And, ok, yeah, he'd better bloody hurry up with that first move.

~~~

I lick my lips. Spike's so close. Really close. And he's kind of breathing. And have I mentioned he's close. I shift just a bit then, and my hand brushes over his. He swallows. I'm pretty sure he wants... He shifts a bit too, and we're practically touching now. Spike's looking at me like he wants to devour me, but he's not moving, just watching me. Like he's waiting. And he's kind of... amused? Dammit! Why won't he just kiss me already?

~~~

Xander's breathing heavy now. Can feel him against me almost. Yeah, pet, just a little bit more. I lick my lips, just for encouragement. Thoughts of last time I kissed him flash through my mind. Pressing him up against the door. Feeling his tongue in my mouth, his cock rubbing against mine. I run my eyes over his lips.

Yeah pet you want me. Just tell me so.

And then, thank fuck, he kisses me.

~~~

So I move in closer, and he doesn't move at all as I bend forward and press my lips to his. He returns the kiss but doesn't deepen it. He very chastely, very unSpikelike, just kisses me back. And that's all. So very not like I remember kissing Spike. I run my tongue out, over his lips, trying to gain entrance to his mouth. His lips part but only slightly and his tongue brushes against mine. There's no possessiveness. There's no devouring. It's weird, like he's holding back. Dammit, what's his problem? Doesn't he want this?

I pull back, frowning.

'Uh, Spike?' I begin, not sure how I'm going to put this. Going to participate or what might not be the most tactful way to put it.

'What do you want Harris?' he asks. And his voice, is sort of odd.

I swallow. And have I mentioned how close he is? Yeah I think I have. And I've just had his lips on mine. Softly. Restrained.

'Yurgh?'

Spike raises his eyebrows. And I turn red. He pins me with his eyes.

'Tell me what you want Harris,' he says, and there's something in his voice, that's just a bit scary. Intense.

I cough and try the whole making actual words come out of my mouth thing again. Ok, I'm getting a bit irritated too now, because, a) horny, b) horny, c) Spike not doing anything about a or b.

'Why Spike?' I ask. 'What do *you* want?' Why can't he just seduce me already?

His face is barely inches from mine. 'Just tell me Xander,' and there's a hint of a growl.

'You, ok, Spike, I want you,' I snap.

'Then show me,' he says.

Ok, I get it, I did the big rejection thing last time. So this time I have to take control.

Ok.

So I do.

~~~

Xander's tongue snakes into my mouth and he kisses me fiercely. He starts pulling me, us, towards his bedroom. And oh, hello, he pushes me up against the wall and... yeah, bloody hell yes... I know I whimper. I forget sometimes how much bigger than me he is. Not now. That gangly body presses me into the wall, his groin rubbing insistently against mine. His tongue in my mouth. My hands run through his hair as we devour each other.

Been to long. He better bloody not change his mind this time.

~~~

I pull back from Spike, trying to gasp in air. Then we're at each other's mouths again. But still, Spike's doing that, holding back thing. It's weird, I'm not used to taking charge. I'm used to Anya taking charge. Hell I'm used to everyone taking charge. I've never taken charge. Except when I played that bondage game with An, but even then she told me what to do. Now Spike's not leading or anything. Crap, that means I've got to lead. I don't like leading. Ok, we're kissing, that's good. There's rubbing of groins and assorted body parts, also good. Spike's made whimpery noises when I pushed him against the wall. Guess he kind of liked that.

And yes, the thought does occur to me that maybe he just wants me to show him I want him.

Ok, I'll take charge. Spike whimpers again. This could be fun. I start walking us to the bed.

~~~

Xander's hands are up under my wet shirt now, pushing the sodden material up my body. I stop myself from just ripping his clothes off and instead imitate his actions. Hands are on my belt, under my shirt, at my sides. I fumble at his zipper as my button fly is undone.

But he pulls away from my hands and starts exploring my neck with his mouth, his hands still roaming over my wet skin. He slips around behind me and moulds his body against mine, he's hard against my arse. I reach back and run my hands over his sides, not trying to hold him to me, mind. Just touching. Those hands of his pull my shirt up and Xander pulls back for a minute while I pull the wet material off over my head. He pulls me back against him and rubs his body against mine while his hands do a bit of exploring. An' I just let him.

~~~

I push Spike's sodden jeans off his hips, and press my still clothed groin into his bare ass. I press into him hard, mock fucking him almost. He grinds back against me and oh, tingles, really good tingles. I run my hand over his hard abs and up across is chest. And I just want to fuck him now.

~~~

My jeans are stuck halfway down my thighs, wet denim's a bugger, but I don't bother trying to fix that problem because Xander is behind me and he's hard and his hands are running over me and one's on my chest and he's tweaking my nipples. And the other hand... oh yeah, pet, good, like that. He rubs himself against my arse and I feel his lips on my neck and ear. I reach my hand up and back and run it through his hair as he nuzzles my neck. His other hand strokes my cock and I put my free hand on his and we rock together for a couple of moments.

Fuck this is heaven.

Oi, where's he going?

Oh. Lube.

~~~

I grab the lube and squirt some onto my fingers. Spike hisses sharply as I slide my hand between his butt cheeks. I press my body back against him and start stroking him again as I try to feel inside him. Try to find that spot. The one that makes me see stars.

~~~

Oh fuck yes. A slick finger, then another is inside me. I know I'm panting. And he starts stroking my dick again, while he explores me in this awkward position. Suddenly he pushes me onto the bed. And I hear him undo his pants and I feel him kneel behind me. Yeah, pet, just give me a good hard shag.

The slick fingers invade me again. I bury my face into the bed and arch up for him. My cock rubs against the bed cover. Yeah pet, yeah Xander. Good. Please, do that. Oh yes pet, that's it, that's the spot. I muffle a moan into the mattress. Just letting him do this. Let him show me he wants me. He's a quick learner. Stretching me wider, preparing me, making me ready. Making me buck and whimper just by touching that spot he found.

Oh fuck, his cock. Oh fuck. Oh yes. Xander yes.

~~~

I thrust into Spike and it feels so good. I had almost forgotten what it felt like inside him. He feels so good. Feels so good. Oh god. Oh fuck. Feels so fucking good.

~~~

Xander hands dig roughly into my hips and he pounds into me. Good pet. Do that. Show me you want me. Show me pet. He wants me. Wants me so much. Show me Xander. Show me. So hard. So hard. He grips my hips tighter and slams himself so hard into me. Pushing me forward, rubbing my cock against the bed. So far inside me. So hard. Show me Xander. Show me.

And I hear him moaning and grunting and panting out stupid nothings. Telling me how good I feel. Telling me how much he wants to fuck me. Praying to all and sundry and telling me he missed me all at once.

~~~

Oh god, oh yes. I start to babble I know I do. A slow thought starts to build in my mind. Spike's face is buried in the bed and his hands clench the sheets. I watch the muscles of his back ripple with each thrust as he arches up. Then I realise what the thought is. Spike's just lying there. He's just making these sort of grunting, panting sounds. He's not making all those good sounds he usually does. No 'fuck yes, Xander, pet yeah, like that,' none of those sounds that send flashes to my groin. He's just... taking it. I stop.

'Spike? Are you ok?'

'Yes, bloody hell, don't stop.'

Ok. But I can't, can't keep... not... With shock I let go of his hips. I didn't even know I was holding them so tightly, and I lean forward over him, supporting myself above him with my arms. I feel him shudder beneath me as the movement pushes me inside him deep. My lips graze over his shoulders, over his neck and I pull out a little and push in slowly.

He arches up against me at my thrust and I take the opportunity to wrap my arm around him, pulling him sheer against my body.

He groans and I bury my face in his neck, in his still damp hair.

'Fuck me, Xan, please,' he says in a voice that throbs with something I don't think I understand. So I pull out and in, moving deep inside him.

Oh fuck yes, this is good. So good. He's so good. Why did I take so long to get here?

~~~

Ohfuckyesbloodyhellxanfuckyes. His weight on me, enfolding me, covering me, claiming me. And he's hardly moving, tiny, tiny thrusts deep inside me. And I can feel his lips on my shoulders, on my neck, on my ear. Words are being whispered, breathed against me.

'So tight, so good, Spike, so good, please Spike, tell me Spike, tell me, tell me.'

'Yeah, Xan, yeah love, yeah it's good, yeah fuck yes, deeper pet,' and I groan because he's started pulling out now, pulling out and moving back in, so slowly, so fucking painfully, deliciously slow. Pulling out, pulling out, just so, just enough to- oh fuck! Yes! I arch up against him as he hits that spot, and then the little bugger does it again, ohfuck, again, ogodoyes, and again, harder and harder till I'm talking in tongues pretty much or at least in several obscure demon languages. And he keeps thrusting and we're both moaning and panting and talking shit, and ohfuck. I'm gonna... ohbloodyfuckinghellyes, I'm cumming.

'Xander! Fuckyes! Ohgoddyesssss!'

'YesSpikeyes, oh shit yes! Oh Spike!' And he grunts out his release deep inside me.

~~~

I fall onto the bed panting. Man. Man that was... wow. Intense. Fuck. I lie there panting.

'That was intense,' I say. I get no response. I look up and Spike's just sitting there. His wet jeans still around his thighs. I watch as he stands and tries to pull them back up a bit, to cover himself. They make it mid buttock. I watch as he walks a bit unsteadily into the lounge room, watch through the door as he pulls his cigarettes out of his duster and walks back into the bedroom. He sits back down on the end of the bed where he was and tries to light a damp cigarette. It's then that I notice that his hands are shaking.

I don't know what to say.

'Spike? You ok?'

He nods.

'I... I didn't hurt you did I?' The sleep that was threatening to overtake me is gone, replaced by something that feels like nausea.

He shakes his head. 'Nothing I didn't like anyway.' Oh good, a smile.

I don't know what to do. Should I make a funny remark, get us back into our friendly banter, light mood zone? But that seems wrong. Wrong after... that. I move forward a bit. He gets his cigarette lit and lifts it to his lips with shaking hands. Probably not the time to mention my no smoking in the bedroom policy I just made up.

I decide to just stop thinking.

~~~

I feel strong arms slip around my waist and a warm body against my back. A warm body, albeit one in damp clothes.

'Hey,' Xander says softly. And I get a twisting feeling in my gut.

'Hey,' I say and wrap my left arm around his. He rests his chin on my shoulder.

I feel like I've got a big ball of emotion inside me. I don't know what I feel. He's right; that was intense. Can't just laugh that one off. It was too much. My chest feels tight. And we just sit there for a bit while I smoke my cigarette.

~~~

Spike finishes his cigarette and crushes it out on the sole of his boot before aiming the butt towards my bin.

'So,' he says. 'You and demon girl broke up.'

'Yeah,' I say.

'Oh.' There's a pause, then he says. 'So you wouldn't care if I ask her out then?'

For a brief horrible moment I suspect that might have been Spike's plan all along. But no, he's joking. Good. That's good. Never thought I'd be happy to see joking Spike, but I am. I snort.

'Gee Spike, should've asked when I was still with her, we might've been able to get a threesome going.' I feel slightly bad because that might be disrespectful to Anya, but then Spike chuckles, and things feel a bit better. I let go of him.

'I'm going to pass out, come and lie down with me,' I say, letting myself fall over sideways. He turns around and grins at me.

'No stamina,' he says, then undoes his boots and kicks them off before stripping off his still damp jeans.

I realise I'm still in my wet clothes so I peel off my shirt and pants as well. I throw the clothes on the floor then crawl up the bed to my nice comfy pillow and I feel the bed sink down beside me.

He lies on his back, arms behind his head, starring at the ceiling.

'Spike?'

'Yeah?'

'That was great.'

'Yeah, mate, it was.'

~~~

He makes a sleepy chuckling sound.

'Oh it's mate now is it, gee Spike, no love, no pet, no honey?'

'Nuh, think I'm a bloody poofter or something?' I say.

He's obviously thinking about how ridiculous a statement that is considering what we just did.

'You homosexual Spike? Never. Now get that sweet ass of yours over here so I can give you a great big kiss, love muffin.'

I laugh and kick him.

I don't know what's going to happen next, what he wants.

Think I've bloody gone and fallen for him. Fuck.

~~~

We lie there for a bit longer. I'm still in shock over the great sex. I can't believe I didn't know if I wanted this or not.

'Spike?' I say.

He makes a sound that indicates he can hear me but is too tired or lazy to bother using actual words.

'I missed this too.' And I hope he knows what I'm referring to - what he said at the concert, before I stopped kissing him.

'Good,' he growls. 'Now shut the fuck up and come here.' He pulls me against him and for once I'm the one being spooned. It feels good.

'Course, if you get back with Anya again tomorrow I'm going to bloody kill the both of you.'

I snort, half asleep now. 'You'd commit homicide for me. Gosh Spike, that's... very, very scary.'

And he laughs against my back and just that sound makes me feel so good.

This is nice.

~~~

Continues here.