Alcohol Good, Games Bad

Author: Victoria H

Disclaimer: If TPTB knew I had them, they'd string me up by my thumbs. Don't tell them, please, it's all for a bit of fun. They ain't mine, but I treat them better.

Summary: The gang spend the night in, playing 'group' games.

Pairings: Probably none. Possibly all. No idea as yet, beyond some innuendo.

Spoilers: Set during Season 4. The smallest spoilers possible.


"It's... well, it's..." Spike tipped his head to one side and looked at the picture again. "Well, it's obvious what it is, really..."

"What is it, then?" Willow smiled innocently at him and sipped from her drink.

Buffy smirked at them both. "He doesn't know!" She declared smugly, reaching over to bat Xander's arm lightly. "Face it, you guys suck at Pictionary!"

"I do not!" Xander said indignantly, reaching over to circle various parts of his drawing for emphasis. "Spike does. I mean, come on!" He hit the creature with the felt tip violently. "What is it?!"

"The mongrel brat of a duck and beaver?" Spike asked helplessly, scratching his head.

Willow collapsed in giggles. "Close! It's a platypus, of course." She pointed. "See?"

"Of course," Spike echoed, a befuddled look on his face. "Obvious, innit, from the way it has antlers. I mean, all platypuses - platypi? - have antlers..."

"Antlers?" Buffy leaned in for a closer look. "The platypus doesn't have antlers..."

"It doesn't?" Xander wrinkled his nose, and threw his pen down in defeat. "I quit. Games where I have to draw things I've never seen are grossly unfair. Now, if they asked me to draw a demon from hell..." He waggled his eyebrows at Spike.

The vampire groaned and staggered to his feet. "You people are truly pathetic. 'Xcuse me while I go and stake myself." He shuffled off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Grab me a beer if you pass the fridge!" Xander called back.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just call me Jeeves..." Spike muttered, disappearing behind the partition in Giles' apartment. "Yo, whelp!"


"The Watcher's only got... uh... whassis? Some imported crap... and it ain't even British! You still want it?" Spike glared at the offending item.

"Uh... does he have any ice cream, then?" Xander asked, his attention on the next task at hand: to draw 'Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe.' {{Good God...}}

Spike stuck his head in the freezer. "Yeah. Okay, we'll eat his ice cream instead." {{Wuss.}} He grabbed a tray and loaded it with beer and ice cream, carrying off his loot in triumph. "All right, yer good fer nothing tramps. Here's yer dinner. And don't say I never gave yer anythin'..."

"How could I, after that last decapitated demon?" Buffy smiled sweetly at the scowling vampire and made room onnthe table for the tray. "Mmmm... Phish Food!"

"Still sounds like bloody poison to me, pet..."

"But this be good from your point of view, yes?" Xander inquired, stuffing his face full of the aforementioned ice cream.

"Perhaps. I choose to feel disgusted." Spike opened a beer and took a large swig. "Red, you want some o' this, luv?" He offered her his drink.

Willow wrinkled her nose delicately. "What is it?"

"Ammunition. Are we rotatin' teams, then, Slayer? Me an' Red against you an' the whelp?"

"Yeah, shorty, we are," Xander interjected, grabbing the beer out of Spike's hand to take a gulp. His eyes widened and he choked on the foul liquid. Spike laughed.

"C'mon, luv, yer too much of a kiddie ta drink a man's drink. Let me an' Red 'ere whip yer ass, and then we'll put ya ta bed with a story." He winked.

Xander's mouth fell open, and his eyes narrowed. {{Right, then... no demon is getting the better of me!}} "Only if you stay in the bed with me," he said sweetly, and had the pleasure of watching Spike choke on his drink. "What's the matter, Peroxide Boy? Not got the balls?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "I got 'em. Just wandering if yer mouth's big enough to take 'em, is all."

Buffy and Willow were busy trying not to die of shock. Buffy was the first to recover. "Guys, much as it's amusing me to watch this display of er, sexual, er... stuff, well, I'd really rather not watch this display of sexual, er, stuff." She held up the next game. "Trivial pursuit, anyone?"

"You know what we should be playin', dotcha Slayer?" Spike said before anyone had a chance to comment.

Willow looked at him with a half-smile on her lips. "What?"

"I never," Spike declared.

Three sets of eyes fixed on him in confusion. "What? You vanilla kiddies never played 'I never' before? C'mon, it's obvious I'm gonna lose at it, but ya could at least try, for goodness' sake..." He snorted derisively. "I mean, ya musta done summink with that poofy sire o' mine, Slayer..."

Buffy blinked at him, puzzled. "What on Earth is 'I never'? And why would you obviously lose?"


"I am not believing we're doing this..." Willow murmured as she set the shot glasses out. Thankfully, they'd found some tequila in Giles' drink cabinet... although God only knew why it had been there in the first place. Frankly, Willow really didn't want to know.

"Shhh Red, it'll be fun. It's always been fun the past times I've played this..." Spike grinned, pouring the tequila.

"That's because, knowing you, I bet you guys always ended up in an orgy." Xander muttered, settling down.

Buffy shot Spike a look. The vampire's self-satisfied smirk was all the proof she needed. "Ewwww! I'm not having an orgy with you!"

Willow grinned. "That mean you'd have it with someone else?"

This resulted in a brief but strangely satisfying cushion fight. The guys just sat back and enjoyed. Eventually, Willow surrendered and they got down to 'the game'.

The rules were simple - and eventually Willow realised that she was indeed familiar with the game. She'd read a Star Trek smut story sometime ago that used it's rules as the basis for the orgy. Somehow, that didn't really make her feel better.

Yes, the rules were simple. They had to be simple - as the game went on, and the players got progressively drunker, anything too complicated would mean that the game would be quickly forgotten. Which was occasionally the whole point, but not at this particular playing.

Occasionally cards were involved. Spike had vetoed that idea, saying that they didn't have time to sit and wait for everyone to play strategy. No, what they wanted was the main point of the game - the drinking part. When it was your turn, you'd say something that you'd never ever done. Those that had done it would take a shot. Then it moved on to the next player, and so on. A score was occasionally kept.

It took Buffy an entire round to realise that by 'something you hadn't done' , Spike had been referring to sex. In fact, everybody had been referring to sex...

"I've never... slept with a woman," Willow said smugly, watching both Xander and Spike groan and take a shot of tequila. She quickly filled up their empty glasses.

"That was both obvious and under the belt, Will," Xander chastised, fighting to not slur his words. {{Great. One shot - count them, one - and I'm ready to fall over.}}

Willow grinned back. "There's always the chance to do the same to me, Xander," she pointed out, passing the bottle to Spike. The vampire thought for a moment. "I've never slept with anyone in a single bed," he said after an instant's thought.

Willow and Xander both reached for their drinks, while Buffy smiled smugly.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Not drinking, pet?"

"Nope. Everyone I've slept with has had a double bed," she said, reaching for the bottle. Spike shrugged and surrendered it. "Okay... I've never slept with a demon of the non-vampire variety."

"You are doing this on purpose, yes?" Xander slurred as he downed his third shot. Willow followed suit with her second.

Spike took his second quickly, giving Xander a look. "You okay, pet? You can take a breather if ya want... Don't want ya fallin' asleep on us 'ere..."

"Nah!" Xander waved an arm expansively. "Ah can hold mah alcohol!"

"Uhuh. Your turn." Spike handed him the bottle.

Xander thought about this for a moment. {{What to say, what to say...}} An evil thought formed. {{Oh yes.}} "I have never," he began, a cruel smile emerging, "lusted after Deadboy."

Buffy took her drink with a grimace, almost choking as she watched Willow follow suit. "Willow!"

The redhead flushed. "Sorry Buffy. He is attractive... but I always thought of him as yours."

Buffy nodded, turning to comment to Spike. Whatever she had to say was quickly lost on her, because Spike - Spike! - was also drinking. {{Oh... dear,}} was all her brain would let her think. "S-Spike?"

"What?" The vampire asked defensively. "You're not gonna go all homophobic on me now, are ya?"

"Uh... no, I just... uh... surprised, is all."

"Uhuh. Red, your turn." He all but shoved the bottle in Willow's waiting hands.

The witch smiled slyly. "I've never gone down on a guy..."

"What?!" Buffy stared at her, aghast. "But - but! But!"

"Yes?" Willow smiled at her innocently.

"But!" Buffy seemed unable to articulate beyond that. Her shoulders slumping, she quickly downed her drinks. The shock factor of seeing Spike - {{Spike!}} - downing his shot as well lessened after a while. {{Okay. Learn something new every day, I guess...}}

"Your turn, Spike," Willow offered him the bottle. The vampire took it, staring at it intently.

He turned to finally look at Xander, who was staring at them all blearily. "Well, come on, I ain't gonna wait all day..."

"What?" Xander glared at him. {{No. Oh, don't you even dare!}}

"Oh, don't you play the innocent with me, mate! Come on! Drink up and be done with it!" Spike let his human face slip a little. {{Ain't havin' no one cheat on me 'ere...}}

Xander shrugged. {{Fine. Since we're in total share mode...}} And, under Willow and Buffy's astonished stares, he downed his shot.

"Never tell me," Buffy instructed him quickly. {{Wow. Looks like I don't know them as well as I thought...}} The only thing that kept her amused was the fact that Spike had been forced to drink to every round so far. {{He wasn't kidding when he said he'd probably lose,}} she thought with amusement. "All right, then, Bleach Boy, what have ya got?" She challenged, leaning forwards to rest her elbows on the table.

Spike smiled lewdly. "Much more than you can handle, luv. 'Cuz I 'ave never had meself a pearl necklace..." He watched with amusement as Buffy turned an attractive shade of red.

"What? How? When? How? What?" Buffy sputtered, quickly downing her drink. {{Someone's gonna die...}}

"All good questions... that I ain't gonna answer." Spike smiled cruelly. {{Mission accomplished. Watch the witch and whelp hound her for days trying ta find out what a pearl necklace is...}} He wagered it'd take them approximately two weeks to get an answer out of somebody... {{Ah, psychological games. Lessee if they still look at her like Wonder Woman after that juicy bit of info...}} As for his source - the guy had been dispatched. Not that Buffy had actually cared enough to check on him afterwards... but it did make Spike feel better. And he'd been tasty.

"Your turn, Buff," Xander said hastily, snatching the bottle away from Spike 's hands and handing it to the obviously very pissed-off Buffy. "Make it a good one..."

{{Okay... a good one... what do we know about vampires? Sire-childe relationship obviously works here - Spike's attracted to Angel.}} Buffy tried to think beyond the haze of alcohol framing her brain. {{Uh... has he ever slept with him, I wonder? And if so, who would have topped whom?}} Finally, inspiration struck. {{Oh!}}

Buffy's smile was more than just a touch cruel. "I," she said slowly, locking her eyes with Spike's, "have never been dominated by someone society would think of as my 'father'... and got off on it."

Spike's lips thinned, but he drank. Xander and Willow stared uncomfortably at the table, obviously unhappy with the turn the game was taking. It had started as a game of one-upmanship, and was now turning into something decidedly nastier. Both Buffy and Spike looked angry with the other - angry enough to do something stupid because of the alcohol.

Xander grabbed the bottle. "My turn." {{Uh...}} He locked eyes with Willow, winking discreetly. {{This better work...}} "I've never... I've never..."

"Spit it out, whelp!" Spike snarled, eyes fixed on the Slayer. {{Damned bitch...}}

"In all my years as a Slayerette... I've never provoked a fight with someone I wanted to shag."

And, with that, both Xander and Willow clambered to their feet, giggling as they made their retreat.

Spike blinked.

Buffy blinked.

"Stupid friends. No orgy?"

"No. And they are stupid. Wanna shag instead?"

"I'll hate you in the morning."

"I hate you already. Don't see why that should stop us. We could always blame it on the alcohol..."

Buffy paused, thinking this over. "Got a double bed?"


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